The Philosophy of Cheese
by Neo the Saiyan angel
Summary: My entry in the 'Guess the Author' contest. What was Rufus thinking during the episode 'Bueno Nacho?


'_This isn't so hard_' Rufus thought. He pushed the button again, making the machine drip even more of the warm, delicious yellow substance onto the nachos. '_All the cheese you could want just by pushing a button for a job and the humans COMPLAIN about it? Phah!_'

He picked up a chip, the golden liquid goodness oozing onto the counter, and chomped on it. Rufus really wasn't sure what he would do without cheese. Cheese was the source of everything good and wholesome in the world. To not have any would be madness!

'_I wonder if there's a church of cheese_' the mole rat pondered as he prepared another basket of the delectable chips and melted cheese. '_If there is, why aren't my human and I members?_' Rufus ducked out of the way of the lanky, clumsy human as he reached for the nachos, the man having not noticed the little pink rodent. Rufus waited a few minutes longer before going back to his nacho duties.

'_Why doesn't everyone just do as cheese does? It has a friendly demeanor. There aren't too many people that would call cheese 'evil'. I don't even think cheese _can_ be evil._' He fixed another tray of cheesy nachos and grabbed a chip, jamming it into his mouth with great joy. Rufus was so busy enjoying the snack that he didn't notice the shadow fall on him. It was only when he heard the annoyed clearing of a throat that he froze and looked up.

"Rufus…are you cleared to be doing that?" his blonde human asked. Rufus gave the only logical, undeniably true answer back.

"Cheese!" the little mole rat replied.

"…yeah, okay little guy, you're gonna hafta fill out some paperwork before going back on nacho duty. Gotta follow the rules, you know. Setting an example as the new assistant manager." Ron adjusted his necktie, making the 'click click' sound as he unclipped and clipped the tie that had the colors of the flag of the country which Bueno Nacho took its cuisine from. Rufus growled slightly; he didn't want to be forced away from eating the unlimited buffet of cheese and ships. But he didn't get much of a choice when Ron set down an application and pen.

"Okay buddy, just sign here and here and here and here," Ron said, pointing to the various spots on the paper. Rufus quickly signed, his face set in a constipated expression. Throwing the pen to the side, he ran for the cheese machine with a fervor that even the most devout religious followers would envy. He was unable to make it, however, due to a certain assistant manager grabbing him by the tail.

"You forgot to initial here and here." Ron gave him the pen again and Rufus signed, making sure to give his human a stern glare in the process. Looking it over, Ron gave a nod and lowered his hand, holding it open as if wanting to shake. Which didn't make much sense since Rufus was so much smaller than him.

"Welcome to the team." Oh. He DID want to shake hands.

'_Silly human_'

Rufus grabbed the end of one of Ron's fingers, moving it up and down to make him happy. Satisfied, Ron walked away, whistling a bland tune while playing with his tie again.

Rufus wasted no time in getting back to his precious cheese. He tossed a pile of chips under the nozzle and pushed the button several times, causing the little tray to nearly overflow with the golden treasure. Now back to where he felt he truly belonged (next to a pile of overflowing, never-ending cheese with his human nearby), he went back to his musings.

'_Now, if my human was a _true_ cheese believer, he wouldn't have even bothered with that. It's so silly, writing on the thin white stuff. I'll do this anyway. Cheese is the center of good. It's the meaning of life!_' Rufus continued to pour the cheese on the chips, taking a few of the crispy triangles from each plate, making sure to smother them in extra loads of cheese, before swallowing them with great joy. He couldn't get his hands on too many, though, due to Ned serving them to the customers.

Getting frustrated as time went by, the naked mole rat eventually decided to just station himself under the dispenser while activating the machine. No one noticed; it was the afternoon lull.

'_If the entire world were to adopt the Way of Cheese, there wouldn't be any need for fighting…no need for currency, class system, inequality…all would be Cheese. Yum…_' The mole rat was having the time of his life. This had to be the best job ever. Heck, this wasn't even a job. This was paradise!

Then he heard his human talking to the human inside of the computer. Sensing trouble, Rufus ran to jump onto the blonde's shoulder. He made it just in time to hear the maybe-human say, "She needs help. YOUR help."

Uh-oh. That did NOT bode well for the cheese situation.

Then the human with the freckles and bad haircut made the ultimatum. The little pink mole rat couldn't hold back his gasp. The girl-human friend or cheese? What kind of a choice was that? The sadist!

Rufus shook his head in disappointment; he knew what would happen. It was no contest. And his human agreed, saying the creature's thoughts almost word for word.

Ron jumped over the counter in a dramatic fashion, giving the mole rat one last chance to give a sad backward glance to the deliciousness-dispensing device, some of the golden nectar still dripping from it.

'_Someday…someday the world will realize the truth of cheese. They will embrace it and it will all come together in peace_' the mole rat thought. '_But until then, while everyone still denies the way to happiness through cheese, myself and my humans will have to protect against those that would deny and tarnish the golden path._'


End file.
